Though Thicc and Thin chapter 1 ABRIDGED VERSION
by PastellRain
Summary: Through Thicc and Thin chapter 1 but cynically narrated by the toilet Haku ends up peeing in. Also whenever Haku cries, the entire Bee Movie Script is pasted. Well, maybe not the ENTIRE script... Neru is a clown who talks like a pirate. Whenever she makes a bad joke, The Mine Song from Lazytown is pasted. Also more things happen that I can't fit in the description.


**NOTE:** This is a parody of my own fanfic that I never got past the first chapter of. It's a Vocaloid and Sims crossover called Through Thick and Thin. It's quite old. You can find it on my page. Except I don't see why you'd want to, because it utterly sucks potatoes.

It's the same except it's funnier, also it's cynically being narrated by the toilet Haku ends up peeing in. Yes, Haku pees in this fic, please don't ask. Also whenever Haku cries, the entire Bee Movie Script is pasted. Well, maybe not the ENTIRE script... Neru is a clown who talks like a pirate. Whenever she makes a bad joke, the The Mine Song from Lazytown is pasted. Neru is randomly replaced by Thomas the Tank Engine in the middle and nobody notices. Everything is the same about Haku except she talks and dresses like a cowboy.

* * *

Haku Yowaluigi had been out of high school for a while, yet living on her own was a thought too distant for her to imagine.

But lo and behold, Haku got kicked out of her house.

Her mother encouraged Haku to start a new life in the next town (mostly just because she was sick of Haku's mooching), so that's what Haku did once she became the peak-of-ripeness age of twenty-two years old.

Sticking to her motto of traveling lightly, she left a numerous amount of things back at her mother's house, bringing along only her cowboy hats, lasso, cowboy leather pants, pistol, and such. And a whole lot of YEEHAW.

But wait... Haku realized something. She didn't have a job! Her limited gold was going to run out... how was she going to pay the bills eventually?

"I can't believe I darn forgot to get a job! I can't be a NEET!"

Haku was terrible at jobs that involved working in public, socially. She was much too awkward and inexperienced, even to be a cashier! Haku was terrible at speaking. Having to communicate with people was far too intimidating. She couldn't take it.

"Maybe I could make money off of my writing?" She thought. It was really the only thing she was able to do. But everything she wrote was far too juvenile. And just... bad.

"I did terribly in high school, and I can't even get into college." Haku sulked on her bed one night, trying to break her horrible writer's block.

Aaand Haku is crying. So you know what that means? It's time for the Bee Movie Script!

According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly.

Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground.

The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.

...What? You seriously thought PastellRain was going to paste the WHOLE THING? Nah, she's too much of a loser to do even that.

"It's all because I'm so absent-minded all the time!" Haku thought. "Mah brain must be thuh size of a peanut! no, smaller than that! it's thuh size of a mitochondria! Ah don't eve-yn know what a mitochondria is! Aargh!"

To your right, wallowing in a fetal position on a cheap creaky bed, you will see Haku Yowane, Sunset Valley's epitome and very embodiment of failure. Let's take a closer look.

Name: Haku Yowane. It's actually pronounced like Howdy Yeehaw, but you're free to pronounce it however you like. Call her Big Chungy if you wish.

Age: Twenty-two years ancient.

Traits:

-Absent-Minded (Her failure in high school was not due to laziness or apathy. She tried, she really did!)

-Over-Emotional (She cries at 99.9999% of flicks... but mostly because she's jealous of the actors!)

-Good (And maybe a little too good. All she does is try to please others. She lacks dignity. Plus she can't fight.)

-Artistic (At least there's that. But she's so absent-minded that it really doesn't show.)

And last and least...

-Loser! (Self-explanatory.)

Haku Yowane is a huge loser! Her very presence makes the country fiddles of failure fiddle with such intensity, that everyone around her will know, Haku Yowane is a complete and utter loser and failure! Hooray! Socially awkward, shy, and without any talents, plus things are always going wrong for her!

Let's check in on Haku one day, when she went to the art museum.

The day had started off pretty decent. Pretty good for Haku, actually. A nearby house had a giving-away sale, and Haku got a bookcase, pre-stacked with intriguing long novels and shorter whimsical oddities alike, for a really cheap price! There was also some fanfiction written by PastellRain, but Haku threw those in the garbage where they belonged.

Books, oh the joys of reading! Haku had never had the attention span to read a book before (which could be why she was such a shabby writer, ya think?), but she loved them all the same. She was going to start reading them today!

She closed her eyes, rummaged her hand over the library of books, and picked one at random. It was a short romance novel, "A Magnetic Attraction". Haku was a peculiarly fast reader and read it in about an hour. It was gripping enough for her to get to the end of it.

The theme was about "opposites attracting", yet the two female lovers (cough NicoandMakifromLoveLive!) were of the same gender, and therefore couldn't exist in the dystopia. Yet at the same time, their attractions were almost magnetic. They started off hating each other like tsunderes do, but soon they found themselves tangled together like a pair of headphones.

Totally about Nico and Maki. Right? They even sing a song about magnets or whatever.

In the end, they had to part. (This was when Haku started crying like a mothafucka named Kaito who found out ice cream no longer existed.) But they were determined that one day, their "magnetic attraction" will lead each other back to the other one day.

Haku sat on the couch wiping her salty tears (as usual). She wondered what to do next.

According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly.

Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground.

The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.

"That there book was mighty heart-wrenching..." Haku thought. Usually when Haku cried, it also made her have to go pee-haw. Yeah. Crying was like a laxative for Haku, except for her bladder. So she headed to the bathroom... to find that the only toilet in the house was still clogged and broken from early that morning from taking a GIANT DUMP after eating Taco Bell.

"Crikey! Well I can't use that!" She thought. "And I'm mighty gosh darn hopeless at repairs... I should call up a technician."

Haku dialed the number, only to find out that the service was closed on Sundays.

"Oh... I could find one out yonder on the road then. Country road, take me home..."

But being the absent-minded person Haku was, she ended up completely forgetting she was looking for the bathroom, and instead became drawn to the Sunset Institute of Modern Art.

On the second floor, she looked at the sculptures. Some were neat, some were fantastic, and some were made by PastellRain and made Haku feel as if maybe she weren't THAT bad of an artist. (Which basically meant they sucked potatoes.)

Haku was mostly drawn to abstract and surreal pieces. They took her to a different world, a world where she things she daydreamed about weren't totally and utterly stupid. The world where Haku and her strange and pathetic little brain fit in.

But in the corner, where there were very few people, was an ordinary sculpture of an ordinary toilet. Also known as ME. Remember? I'm the toilet in the description of this story who's supposed to be narrating. As you can see, I'm about to have a really bad time involving Haku, and her bladder.

Anyway, that was when Haku finally remembered... she had to pee! Piss! Tinkle! Urinate! Whizz! Take a leak! And not the kind of "leak" Miku eats.

Haku's pathetic little bladder was ready to burst, so Haku scrunched her legs and ran to the ladies' room, trying her hardest not to think of Niagara Falls, leaky faucets, or anything like that.

"Sorry, stalls are out of order you pathetic loser!" A big sign of terror greeted Haku at the door and hit her right smack in her face. Now where was she going to go?

Haku decided to look for a worker to ask if there were any other restrooms, but got lost. At this point, it was an emergency. She was already leaking, and she probably couldn't move a single step without wetting herself.

Seriously Haku?

A-a–and she just happened to be right next to... (gulp)... ME.

Haku had to go so bad, that her mind wasn't functioning quite right.

A song started playing in her head.

I've been staring at the edge of the toilet

As long as I can hold it

Never really knowing why

I with I could be the perfect cowboy yet

But I come back to the toilet

No matter how hard I try

Every turn I take, every trail I roam

Every path I make, every country road leads home

To the place I know, where I can not go, where I long to PEE.

I was a sculpture of a toilet who resembled a normal toilet so greatly. She took a flimsy, shaky step to me, looked around, shamefully took off her belt, pulled down her cowboy jeans, and...

"YEEEEHAW!" Haku shouted in relief, doing a little victory dance.

Relief! Sweet, heavenly relief! The angels were singing! Hallelujah! The rains were blessed down in Africa! At least for Haku Yowane anyway.

Meanwhile, me? I wasn't having a very good time at all. Because I was being peed in! Dear god. Ugh. Her pee was so warm... gross!

H-hey! It's not... it's not like I secretly enjoyed the warmth of her pee or anything! Geez...

Anyway, Haku finally realized what she was doing. Yeah, you better, you imbecile!

When she pulled her leather cowboy jeans back up, Haku's face became such a bright red like the setting sun on the Western frontier. She felt so ashamed.

"Oh no... fiddlesticks! I'm so gosh darn terrible... did I really just do that?!"

Haku, disgustedly, looked in the bowl of me, the toilet sculpture, and saw her own neon yellow piss glaring back at her. But not really, since piss doesn't have eyes or a face. I'd be really concerned if it did. Also she probably needed to drink more water since her pee was that yellow.

"Tarnation! Mah mind just involuntarily told me it was a-okay, but... it was an EXHIBIT! Not a normal john!"

She would've rather had just wet her cowboy pants! And honestly I would've rather her do that too!

What could Haku Yowane, our lousy failure of a heroine, do? She had nothing to clean me with. Should she turn herself in? Or run away and never come back? Haku decided to go with the second option, and hit the ground sprinting, legs moving in a spiral like she was in a cartoon like Scooby-Doo.

"Yeehaw!" She said as she galloped away.

Suddenly,

"Hey you!"

Haku was grabbed by the collar of her cowboy flannel.

"Why are you here if you're just going to go pee-pee on the art?" The big, brawny man growled.

No words could come out of Haku. She stuttered, stammered, and buried her head in shame.

"It... it was an a-accident, y'all!"

"Accidents don't happen like that." The man said. Two more security guards showed up to the scene.

"Of all the vandals we've had so far, you're by far the most disgusting!" One of them said. "Do we really need to put a sign up that says to not pee on the art?"

"You're fined with 500,000 simoleons." A very serious-looking guy came up and said. "Give us the money."

"I... don't got that kind of gold, but... I-I could give you about... 18,000?" Haku squeaked.

And that was the story of how Haku humiliated herself, and lost all her money... er, gold.

She spent the following week living in her house like a hermit, too ashamed to even poke the cowboy hat atop her head out the door. Sunset Valley was a small town, and the news could have spread! The thought of such a thing happening made her feel sick to her stomach.

She just read more femslash yuri books on her bookshelf, which she would admit, was very relaxing.

Also, we all know Haku Yowane loved women. There really isn't any big revelation here.

When she finally built the courage to go outside her home again, she got greeted with a stack of local newspapers. Haku took one from the bottom, and almost fainted of fear once she saw one of the headlines!

"Local vandal pisses on art-literally!"

Haku hollered and threw the newspaper in the trash. It was a perfect throw, but she didn't care about that. Haku huddled up into a little ball of shame and humiliation and stayed like that longer than it would been practical.

"It's official, I'm The Lass Who Pissed on Art."

Haku began crumbling inside like a stale cookie and started crying. Again. She was never going to forgive herself. Ever.

According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly.

Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground.

The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.

Haku Yowane woke up in the early morning to the sounds of footsteps, and of a loud appliance sucking in air. Was it Kirby? Haku opened her eyes and sat up stealthily on her bed like a cat. No, was it a burglar?

Soon, she saw the "burglar" wearing a police costume. Heh. Yeah. Totally a costume.

What in tarnation? His big pink machine was pulling Haku's stuff inside.

"Sorry." He said. "I'm the bills person. You didn't pay your bills, so I'm taking your stuff."

Haku's dresser, gone! Haku's bathtub gone! Even Haku's favorite couch!

Haku started crying, peeing tears out of her eyes. AGAIN. She had so many memories with that raggedy couch!

According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly.

Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground.

The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.

Now that Haku didn't have a bathtub, she began relying on the showers in the local gym to keep up her hygiene. (She probably peed in the showers too. Yeah... I'm still a little scarred about the whole pee incident. Can you tell?)

While she was going to the gym almost daily, she soon thought about maybe starting to work out her skinny little body a little! A membership to the gym cost a measly amount of simoleons, and it was going to be good for her, right?

Haku started out on the treadmill. She was a fast runner, but didn't have a lot of stamina. After maybe only about a minute, she was on the side panting.

"I'll get better..." She thought. Haku went on the treadmill again, tripped and fell on her side. She lay there motionlessly because she didn't know what to do. Everyone around (mostly big muscle guys) was staring at Haku. Nobody knew exactly what to say.

Except,

"Arrgh, really?" A voice said. It was rather high-pitched, and clearly did not come from one of the big brawny muscle guys. Haku opened her eyes and saw a small blonde clown, shorter than her by a good amount of inches, and perhaps even skinnier than her, standing with her hands to her hips. She looked like Miku Hatsune except she was a clown, had one ponytail, and her hair was the color of pee.

I... I really need to stop talking about pee. But I just can't get that incident off my mind.

"If ye can't even use the treadmill, how are ye going to survive the briny sea?" The pissy clown girl who talked like a pirate said. Her words seemed harsh, but she at least helped Haku up when nobody else would.

"Ah, th-thank you pardner." Haku stammered. She watched as the piss-colored clown pirate Miku started running on the treadmill next to her. She set it to a very high speed and ran with it. Her clown muscles moved so quickly, they almost created a rainbow blur.

"Argh! Ye see, I may be kinda shrimpy, but I'm like this because I eat a healthy diet." The clown girl said, almost seeming to be boasting. "The first step of getting into shape is to avast eating grub like blasted fast food and candy."

Haku felt a pang of defeat. Those two things were the only foods she could afford right now!

"Fast food, like that grub should really be called SLOW grub. It makes ye slow, I'm tellin' ye. Honk honk!"

This mailbox is mine,

And this triagonal sign,

That blue balloon, the month of June,

They're mine mine mine mine mine,

Ziggy's sweets are mine,

That birdy's tweets are mine,

The city streets, and both of your feet,

They're all emphatically mine.

It all belongs to me,

Everything that I see,

North, South, East and West,

I caress it, 'cause I possess it,

I'm Stingy, and it's mine,

And this instrumental break is also mine,

The floor and ceiling are mine,

All your feelings are mine,

You always knew it, that's all there is to it,

It's mine mine mine mine mine,

That's what I said, it's mine.

Haku, who had an affinity for bad jokes, couldn't help but yeehaw a little. This clown was funny but in a lame way. But Haku didn't mind, she was also lame.

Haku's empty stomach growled audibly, which made her bend over in the pain of hunger.

"Fiddlesticks..." Haku moaned.

"Yo ho ho, has ye even eaten today?" The clown girl asked Haku. She put her hand on Haku's stomach and pressed it, which made Haku feel a tiny bit uncomfortable.

"Ya landlubber! Yer not going to get in any sort of shape by starving yer self!" The clown honked loudly, making people stare. "How about I sail back to yer quarters. I'll cook something for ye. I promise."

This clown pirate piss girl seemed kind of... hot-headed and pushy. Was she really going to cook for Haku? Usually she would never take any chances, but she was so hungry... maybe this clown did mean well.

"Argh! They call me Neru by the way. What's yer name?"

Before Haku could answer, Neru the pirate clown started joking.

"What? You're Hungry? Alright, Hungry. Take me to your house and show me your booty."

This mailbox is mine,

And this triagonal sign,

That blue balloon, the month of June,

They're mine mine mine mine mine,

Ziggy's sweets are mine,

That birdy's tweets are mine,

The city streets, and both of your feet,

They're all emphatically mine.

It all belongs to me,

Everything that I see,

North, South, East and West,

I caress it, 'cause I possess it,

I'm Stingy, and it's mine,

And this instrumental break is also mine,

The floor and ceiling are mine,

All your feelings are mine,

You always knew it, that's all there is to it,

It's mine mine mine mine mine,

That's what I said, it's mine.

Haku laughed again. This clown's jokes were so bad... but so amusing!

Haku walked back to her house with the piss-colored clown Miku.

"So, really now. What do they call ye, landlubber?"

Haku felt reluctant to answer. Even though her name wasn't printed in her infamous newspaper headline (she read through it, thank goodness!), she felt as though Neru could eventually find out... and tell everyone!

"Um... I'm Haku Yowane. Howdy, I guess."

Neru suddenly burst out laughing.

"Haha, really? Ye last name be 'Yowane'?" Piss Miku snickered.

Haku turned red and sunk to the ground. What was funny about that?

"Wh-why that be funny?" She stammered.

"Yowane know why it be funny?" Neru asked.

Oh.

This mailbox is mine,

And this triagonal sign,

That blue balloon, the month of June,

They're mine mine mine mine mine,

Ziggy's sweets are mine,

That birdy's tweets are mine,

The city streets, and both of your feet,

They're all emphatically mine.

It all belongs to me,

Everything that I see,

North, South, East and West,

I caress it, 'cause I possess it,

I'm Stingy, and it's mine,

And this instrumental break is also mine,

The floor and ceiling are mine,

All your feelings are mine,

You always knew it, that's all there is to it,

It's mine mine mine mine mine,

That's what I said, it's mine.

"Yo really wane know why it's funny?" Neru said again. "Oh Haku, Haku'd you do this to me? Gahaha!"

This mailbox is mine,

And this triagonal sign,

That blue balloon, the month of June,

They're mine mine mine Kaga-mine,

Luka's sweets are mine,

That birdy's tweets are mine,

The city streets, and both of your feet,

They're all emphatically mine.

It all belongs to me,

Everything that I see,

North, South, East and West,

I caress it, 'cause I possess it,

I'm Hatsune Miku, and the WORLD IS MINE!

And this instrumental break is also mine,

The floor and ceiling are mine,

All your feels are mine,

You always knew it, that's all there is to it,

It's mine mine mine mine mine,

That's what I said, it's mine.

Haku, still embarrassed and anxious, slipped out a nervous laugh. Neru was just making silly clown puns. She was always cracking harmless jokes. Haku had to get used to that.

Neru thought Haku was awfully wishy-washy for some reason. Maybe she could help Haku build her confidence.

They arrived at Haku's house 4:00 in the evening.

"I'm sorry my house ain't big enough for the two of us..." Haku shook. "I... to tell the truth, I'm kind of broke."

Neru sighed and went to Haku's fridge. It was close to empty, but there was still enough to be able to cook something with the right amount of resourcefulness.

"Old potato... some cheese, spinach, milk..." Neru pulled out the ingredients.

"Argh, I think I could make something with this." She said.

Haku sat back on the dining chair like a lazy anthropomorphic potato like the one from Jojo's Circus and looked through another yuri fanfic from the bookshelf. (Not the couch, because she no longer had it). Neru had put on Haku's painting smock (using it as an apron) and was chopping away in the kitchen. Haku felt ashamed that she couldn't cook. She came to this town with no skills, and had to rely on fast food!

Soon, there was a savory smell wafting in from the kitchen. Haku was amazed, to say the least. The measly contents of her refrigerator DID amount to something, with the right chef! Just like Haku could amount to something with the right writer! PastellRain doesn't do Haku justice, I tell you. She always just projects her failure self onto Haku.

Soon enough, Thomas the Tank Engine came back from the kitchen with a bowl of delicious-looking cheesy potato gratin! Haku's mouth instantly watered.

"Ah, thank you so much, Thomas!" Haku gushed.

"Avast ye! Call me Tank Engine instead, ya scallywag." Thomas said. "That be my surname. I'll call ye 'Yowane'. We're on a last-name basis for now, okay bucko?"

"Um, okay."

Thomas-er... Tank Engine had done something so kind for Haku, but was still keeping her distance. Even though she seemed rough, she did care for Haku deep inside, right?

Haku eagerly took a bite of Tank Engine's homemade-from-scratch potato gratin. It was a symphony for her tastebuds and gave her body such energy from the first bite! Yeehaw! It was warm and delicious, Haku could hardly believe it was made out of the scraps from her fridge. In minutes, she inhaled her whole plate. Kinda like what Kirby would do.

Thomas was about to take some for herself, but saw out of the corner of her eye how devastated Haku looked to have had eaten the last savory bite. She offered her plate to Haku.

"Argh, Me guess ye can have the rest of me grub." She said. "Take it. I-I don't want it anyways. Don't g-get the wrong idea..."

"Thank you... Tank Engine." Haku said. She ate in awkward silence. Thomas the Tank Engine sitting across from her made Haku feel a little bit wary of the way she looked while eating.

Thomas strolled up to Haku's refrigerator, scrambled some eggs, and began to eat across from her. After they were done, Thomas asked if Haku had a computer.

"It's a very old one... it may run slow and have viruses, but it's in the corner of my study." Haku said.

Thomas went on the computer. Haku started sketching in her sketch pad. (She tried drawing the gratin she had just eaten. Food inspired her for some reason). She heard laughter and loud music coming from her study. Thomas was probably just playing Fortnite.

Haku got lost in her drawing and soon realized that Thomas was crashing at her house for a peculiarly long time. She was still enjoying herself on the computer, plus she had dug into some of Haku's candy. Haku even heard a few amateurish-sounding strums from her old guitar she never played.

"Um, Tank Engine?" Haku peered in her study. The blue tank engine had made herself at home and responded with a mischievous grin.

Was Thomas taking advantage of Haku?

"Yeehaw! It's THREE IN THE FUCKING MORNING, should you be home now?" Haku asked very, very politely. Thomas' face suddenly fell. Literally. It fell off of her and onto the cold hard floor of Haku's ugly little house.

"Yeah, well..." She started saying, her face laying on the floor, "It's kind of hard to go back to me quarters when I don't have one."

Haku's pupils shrank the tiniest bit.

"Oh." She said, trying to hide her surprise. "I'm so sorry pardner."

"I got evicted from me quarters because I couldn't pay the bills because I shared me house and my shipmates got scurvy of me."

"I'm sorry." Haku said. "So they kicked ya out? That's insensitive of them."

"Yeah..." Thomas said. "I've been getting by because I know how to cook with really cheap ingredients. I have a credit card but I can't afford a ship or nothin'."

"How about maybe working part-time?"

"Aye! I do work..." Thomas spat. Haku could tell it was because she was embarrassed. "I cook at a fast food place. The irony is just..."

"Oh my." Haku said. "Well... at least y'all can cook. On the other hand, I don't even have the social skills to be a cashier."

"Maybe you can just try." Thomas said. "It'll get you money and booty."

"Well... um..." Haku was about to make a risky move. "Maybe if... ah... never mind."

"What was that?" Thomas asked, curiously.

"I was going to say... maybe if we combine our funds, we could pay the bills for this house together? But that means..."

Thomas suddenly screeched like an annoying bird.

"Shiver me timbers!" She bounced. "I can live here?"

"Well, that is what mah statement was going to lead up to." Haku said. But then the thought sank in. She was going to let this Tank Engine live in her house!?

Thomas immediately calmed down and cleared her throat, refusing to show any more out-of-character excitement.

"Alright, Yowane." She smirked, reaching out her hand... or front wheel. "We're shipmates now, matey! We're in this together."

Haku reached out to shake Thomas' wheel, put Thomas pulled it back.

"I forgot. You don't know me secret handshake." She said. "Well, first ye shake, then arm-wrestle, then turn your hand into a firework."

Thomas pulled back her wheel, spreading it out to show Haku an example of a "firework".

"And then, fist pump!" Thomas said. "Yeah, you be doing it right!"

With a new housemate, Haku's life was going to go topsy-turvy with a side of scurvy. But this could be fun. Haku never had a real friend before. Maybe Tank Engine could be her pardner? Even though she took some getting used to.

"Argh, by the way." Thomas spoke as she walked off, her back facing Haku.

"Now that we be shipmates, I guess you can call me by me first name. Well, good night, Haku Yowane."

Haku waved to Thomas, but then...

'Good night'?! Did that mean Thomas was going to sleep? But Haku only had... one large bed and no couch!

"Ah, I'm sorry!" Haku stammered. "This house really ain't big enough for the two of us! I only got one bed... and we gon have to share it, partner."


End file.
